Thing has changed

Solitude
Is a disease at the darkest night
Contagious
Like a horror movie
Saw, Ju-On
But it's okay
Big heart won't feel less than at home.
You face the unfamiliar crowd
And greet a few
You knew the toughest journey
You can't go through
But you and you alone
Brave the night
What's matter to you?
What's matter to you?
When you feel you are less than you was...
Keep on walking
Keep laughing, keep smiling
Today was just a day
To make more you.

Truer meaning to life

The only reason I went away, because I wanted to go away.
You got no idea why but I just did. And I went far.
You pushed hard to my limit and I pushed back harder.
Life is not just merely 'I'll be there for you'
Even this world offers me a spoon-sized size of life, I would accept wholeheartedly.
I use whatever I have to be still standing. And of course existing.
You won't understand why but I will be every song in the radio you listen to.
You won't forget phenomenal me.
I don't do magic. I am simply magical and beautiful at heart.
I don't rely on any occasion, any man... I define myself.
This is a blessing of disguise, to hv known myself. the truer me the truer you.
So, let's just move on slow.
Relax.
Like when I was watching the sunset at Marina Bay Sands with the odour I won't forget.
Nothing in the air. Nothingness but it was perfect.
My adrenalined job has the routine I now can see differently.
Like traffic congestion towards Woodlands checkpoint and the crowded Orchard Road.
I could listen to a strange music of orchestra it tore me down.
Noise. Crowd. Faces. Hunger. Impatience. Fashion. Survival.
The voices and that song of the night.
Either sun shine a lil brighter or am I truly exist?!

Dream oh dream

Jadi bila kita bermimpi, perasaan itu turut tinggal. Menarik ke dalam lubuk hati. Itu mimpi yang kita mahu. Kita perlu untuk terus berdiri dan mensyukuri kenapa dan mengapa kita bernafas lagi. Kita damba dan ingin ingat. Tapi mimpi boleh aneh. Juga.Boleh mententeramkan jiwa.

Ku berlari, kududuk, ku berjalan seiring kumpulan itu. Pemandangan biasa2 sekitarku. Lalu kami sampai di sebuah masjid kampung seraya seorang dari kami membunyikan 'bedong'. Lantas kami ke dalam. (kerap aku mengingat mimpi sekarang2 ni)

Ini mimpi mungkin sangat biasa. Tapi cukup indah dan simbolik untuk diingati. Tafsiranku, jadilah lebih baik, Zick. Atau dalam erti kata lain, untuk kita mencapai dan ingin apa yang kita hajati, dekatilah Dia. Dengan dekat pada-Nya dan hanya dengan izin-Nya..itu yg aku perlu percaya. Keyakinan itu yang amat kita perlu.

Dia tidak janji hidup kita akan selalu bahagia di dunia. Itu benar. Hidup memang perlu rasa kesengsaraan, rasa lemah, rasa sesak, rasa tension yang amat supaya kita amat memerlukan Dia. Jangan lelah. Jangan berhenti. Terus berjalan dan tersenyum. Pelangi muncul lepas hujan. Mentari timbul saat pagi datang. Tiada kusut yang tidak selesai, Zick. Apa pun yang menghalang, Dia pasti bersamamu...

Modifikasi otak tengah

Selalu begini aku tanyakan diri, masih senangkah? Masih ada ruangkah? Tapi bila difikirkan hati takkan dapat memenuhi apa yang minda perlu. Hati cuma rasa puas bila minda rasa tenang. Hati cuma senyap bila minda mulai berhenti berfikir. Tapi minda takkan membuat kata putus tanpa mempersoalkan keadaan hati. Minda akan terus berlari2 anak ke sana ke mari mencari jawapan pasti. Sedangkan hati sudah mendapat kedamaian.

Bila difikir-fikir lagi...maka wujud otak dibahagian tengah- instinct. Naluri. Firasat. Memang bila keseimbangan wujud antara mata hati dan mata akal, firasat akan berfungsi secara sihat. Nah, firasat apa lagi?! Apa lagi kau mahu wahai minda. Kau lemparkan segala kata, segala rasa dalam logik akal yang tak tercapai. Itu tak betul. Itu salah. Ini mungkin. Mungkin satu obsesi tentang hati. Tentang rasa.

Maka, wujudlah satu kekeliruan. Kecelaruan yang menyesakkan hati dan minda. Kemana lagikan kau lari? Ke puncak tinggi atau ke dasar laut mati? Tiada yang indah tanpa rasa susah. Tiada yang mudah tanpa mempermudah. Jadi, mudahalih kan hati dan minda. Perlu di tahap neutral. Perlu dirantai. Perlu di penjara apa yang tidak terkata. Ini kepastian yang tidak abadi. Jika sampai tika dan waktu, maka yang di penjara akan lepas bebas menari di pentas dunia. Tika itu, siapa yang mampu mempersoalkannya....

Maka, mudahalihkanlah hati ni. Modifikasikanlah jiwa ini. Ke tetapan yang lebih berkemanusiaan dan ke arah redha Tuhan.

Final Examination in 44 hours.

A blank slate. Hampir kosong. Tiada isi. Tiada apa yang boleh dipercayai dalam otak kiri ini. Kenapa susah sangat nak study? Hish.esok saya janji. Saya pasti. Semoga semuanya indah dan menjadi. Ameeen.

Family Joy Trip 2012

I was thrilled to bring abah to the island. The trip was happening... Truly blessed, we were all safe went back home although we had the bumpy ride on the boat. Island hopping was the prime joy. Having bath both sea and lake water, we were wet and tanned. Haikal and Izzudin had the sweetest memory of childhood I bet. Shopping was not the main activity yet I got short list and managed to grab those cutlery set and steam cooker. Driving and boating around the island, en route to cabel car, mahsuri etc the scenery was spectacular. Proud to be Kedahan. Proud to be Malaysian. Hope to be there again. It did release all the negativity and uneasy vibes. I felt fresh and could not stop smiling. Too, the experience driving Innova boosted my esteem very much. Better start saving now. More getaway, in shaa Allah soon. This time, oversea can do;-)

it is a walk while doing the talk

If forever started now, it has begun. High speed, full definition whatever you name it. Phew! It is confusing to be precise. Senget. Uncertain and crazy, and a road that is so seemingly full of butterflies. I am terrified. Am not in love. But, how could and who think it will be the possibility? It won't - whispered the Defence Mechanism. You should have step back. One step closer was just lyric. Hell, lyric. Someone please pinch my face, or even crack my head. Reality is better than fairy tales?! Woot, woot. DREAM yo.

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baby alya penenang jiwa!

twinkle twinkle alya

ur aunt love u unconditionally

syg baby....

Menuntut sabar~

Jika hari ini aku patah kaki, aku kena duduk atas kerusi roda dan terus bergerak
Jika hari ini aku sakit tekak sebab melalak atau cuaca tak menentu, aku harus terus menulis dan membuka mata
Jika hari ini aku tak bisa tersenyum, cuma pahit kelat dirasa, aku harus buang sinisku jauh2 ke longkang
Jika hari ini aku di ambang rasa kecewa, aku harus terus tertawa mengenangkan kenangan manis menggamit jiwa

                                                                                        If I could be me, and just me...

I should be patient.

..because patient is the key 

to hold me back

in time.

Sabah. Getaway. Awesome. Simpang Mengayau

tambah tolak

the helping hands

I have raised my thought to abah, he discouraged me at first though this is solely for him.Having proposed my idea of the room, he was reluctant but nodded.

Then, the project began. We started with the all those basic, framing the room.

tempat abah berehat2

While abg Lee was busy doing his job, abah and I went to wooden door shop to find my dream royal door. For this, I allocated quite ringgit to realize the fairy glassy door of my dream. Haha, abah laughed at me but when he saw my straight and super seriousness wajah, he agreed with my choice. Did I mention the awkward silence when laoban mentioned the cost. aiyo. selagi ada pintu, selagi itu aku mahu!

berdarah mata

Peertemuan yang tak disangka

I would love to share my happiness with abah, the only hero of mine. Hope the renovation will make us all happier, for we are going to have better living room (space abah space!). Next stop, marbles shop, window and the frame and lastly paint man. Hurm, biarlah semakin bertambah kasih sayang dalam family ini, amin.

Charity starts at your doorstep ^_^

surat itu

pengesahan jawatan itu buat aku tersenyum,
tenang
puas......
setelah pecah tulang belulang
setelah hancur remuk sebuah hati
setelah dibenci
akhirnya aku...semoga diredhai perjalanan ini
yg dulu masam pahit
harap kian memanis.

16.03.2004

16.03.2004 my first attempt to blog.
Zaman tu dok pakai wayar Tmnet, abah subscribed masa kat Felda Cenderawasih.
Masa tu aktif ber ZOPFAN (blog batch 1999-2003 SMSLD), masa tu aktif ber MIRC dan jumpa kawan2 best (berhubung smpai sekarang) sbb kita boleh cari group yg sesuai dgn kita.
Masa tu la aku explore MS DOS, coding and solve problem kecik2 computer abah.
Masa tu, aku jadi house keeper sbb mak sakit tak berdaya wat kerja rumah, before 9 terus siap semua house chores, aku berjaya manage uyui hantar ambil dia dari sekolah, masa tu aku tak terfikir pon aku bakal jadi guru.
Masa tu aku happy sbb aku dapat berbakti dgn keluarga, masa tu petang2 je main pingpong, tenis dan badminton dgn budak2 Kg. Cenderawasih (mak ayah tak marah pon aktiviti sukan mix lelaki perempuan sbb kitorg x merepek cm budak sekarang).
Masa tu da sangat berbeza dari sekarang, apalagi bila aku baca kembali entries dahulukala. 2004 to 2012. Of crystallized rain...changes.

to get a job is easy,to confirm in the industry, sweat out babeyh

Thank God, I got this opportunity to change the date. Thanks to those who help me out and those who didnt belief that I will get the concern from spp. Thanks to life coz you treat me nice this time. Step to soar. Are you ready zick, to fly, to set fire. Cekalkan akal untuk smbung study.bur

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strong is a strong word

If I were strong, this is the strongest of me. You have made me to think thrice, to open my eyes wide to see you. What are you becoming of? Perompak, penyangak atau mayat hidup yang terkangkang dan bergelimpangan kotor? Sometimes, i have to believe that your lives are curses. You want speed up your life which means to shorten your life? Common, hidup ikut phases la, you are supposed to be young and sweet and bukan penyakitan hati. Find yourself dream to soar high above the sky, bukan jatuh dalam lohong hitam kelam. Nasib kamu tentukan. Remember, we are not misguided and we are happened to guide to make you, you. Bukan anasir, lanun, alien atau namakan saja apa yg kamu terikut2. Jadilah anak bangsa melayu/malaysia yang punya harga diri, punya ilmu penuh di dada sebelum berkata dan berbahasa bangga akan namamu.

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merekayasa~

sedang menanda kertas

tapi saat terhenti tatkala diri mahu menaip sesuatu di sini

apa yang aku impikan tidak sebesar yang aku miliki

segala nikmat yang telah dikurnia Tuhan, syukur~

Cuma, bersabar akan sesuatu

mencipta dan merekayasa (re-engineering)

"are you insane?"degup hati mengomel.

kenapa harus menutur kata begitu 

bermain nasibmu

kau tanpa malu sungguh dungu

sabar disaat belum iftar

"saya sedang puasa"

memikirkan akan pengelupasan suatu lapisan

tampak hancur sebelum kegemilangan

menggerutu mati

saat melemparkan senyuman sinis

dia mara

bertanya

"saya siapkan juga, saya pinjam buka dia dan dia"

moga kota katanya.

Saat merekayasa

hidup memang terasa berbisa

luka dalam disembur Clorox

mencuci tapi terhakis

rasa gembira.

The art of complaining

I, honestly, do not have the talent

To twist

To jump upside down

To deliver

To make people wonder

I, frankly

Would ponder

upon things that hunded percently untrue

But believed

By the dumb fools

Why, why, why

How, how, how

You can smile

You can ride the talk

By enjoying the spices and seemingly perfect ingredients

Have your sense

Widen your mind

Open your eyes

You are fooled

On non-April-fool day!

dyradyana, 2011

saya bukan siapa-siapa

Saya bukan anak dato'

yang bila saya mahu

saya dapatkan hampir apa sahaja

Saya bukan anak maharaja

yang bila saya arahkan

semua menurut perintah takutkan ayah saya

Saya bukan anak ahli politik

yang bila saya mengada-ngada

semua rasa saya comel

sebab nak ampu tuan mereka

Saya bukan siapa-siapa

cuma perhati dari 350 darjah

yang hairan melihat dunia

Selalu

pijak bumi tapi tak lekat tanah

terbang tinggi tapi bukan kepak sendiri

menyanyi sumbang tak tunjuk gigi

mengaku seni tapi cuma mau royalti

Alih-alih

dunia berputar lagi. Tapi bersegi.

dyradyana, 2011

He is my rubber band

You stretch yourself to 1 inch
I pretend that I do not care
Then 2 inches
I feel not okay
More and more
Inches

Distant

You are in your cave

No bluetooth

No connection

Mute

When you power up yourself

Soaring and smile again

Energized by my ignorance

Gain independence

Here I am

Broken.

Dyradyana, 2011

Pet Society

I am thinking of becoming a successful engineer one day, make hundred Ks.... forget about the price tag because I could buy anything *sigh

A dream left a dream. 

Decision to be who's who has been made. Destiny chose me to be one of a kind. Teacher. An ambitious teacher. Ehem, ehem. I proclaim myself an NOT ordinary teacher who perform the duty and responsibility to the expectation of the admin and society. We, the chosen special ones also abide by rules.

Rule #1: Do not swear before the students / Behave yourself in any (serious) condition

In this kind of suburban school, which similar to "To Sir with Love" students, not to mention the ranking of the school is in bottom 300, we are strictly prohibited to use vulgar language nor to point fingers to those innocent children. We are the role models and angels to the students. We cannot bring stick (if possible) to prevent us becoming reptiles. Arm yourself only with preach and chalks.

Rule #2: Wear proper attire inside or outside the school compound at ALL time

I would advise this to those who care what people care talk about you. In my case, I live in the place where I can stumble upon almost every student and parent of the young and innocent children. They may look at you from top to toe to judge you. Be careful because, once again, you are the role models to their children. They hope you make changes. And the ones who make changes must be brilliant and PERFECT in their eyes.

#Rule 3: To be continued in next post.

P/S: How you can grow up with lots of expectations from every angle?  No way! (rebel kanak2 punya style)