indifferent and different is no different

These few weeks, I've spent my life differently. I am different person, I can feel it. I've grown mentally to understand that life is never easy. It is a core business for everyone. To live means that we need satisfaction, food, shelter, clothes and perhaps CONVENIENCE. Convenience comes with a price. Means we need to give something in order to gain CONVENIENCE in return. Speaking of CONVENIENCE, I can smell none essence of it. I am not capable to reach it. Why? Is it because I live in an unfair world? Or am I meant to be an always unskilled gambler? I understand that it is nothing to do with how far I give in. It is how far I count my blessings and wait patiently. Understand this still makes me wonder, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN...convenience will come to me and lit the light?


Oh.oh my official first 5 classes. I would like to tell you the cup is not empty yet. You can't predict me. Yes you can judge me. A month has passed and I am still here. No, am not replacing the old teacher. Am the new one. The beginning and the amateur. The fresh blood to you. I am you. I am proud of myself that today I have none complaints about you. You are my inspirations, my experiments, my everything that trigger me to break my leg, to smile, to hate, to love, to cry, to encounter various emotions and to the extend that makes me hit my head on the wall. I do love you, my children. All the shit and the sweet things you do are welcomed and highly appreciated. It makes us to be closer and closer in that sense.


Complaints? Again and again? Love fails me again? Do I really need love from man? He(s) is from other planet. How should I long for an alien? How should I? Complicated and leave it to God? I should solve something. I should fix something. Repairing heart is never an easy job. It took 2 years to heal and again, it was broken, easily. EASY. This is not an easy reload. This is a bloody heart. My heart. I need to fix it. Hate and revenge cannot fix heart. They do ruin most of the time. Pretending like nothing happened hurts me more. Addiction to this kind of love is unwanted and a waste. If I can remove it.... If I can just put gum to fix those pieces of heart to feel like I am seventeen. Again. I'd love to.


I am very close to add number to my precious age. It is in coming. I should find fresh water, trees, soil, air, ocean and any natural sense to comfort me. I feel better that way. I need to yell, to scream hysterically. I am not a young girl anymore. "Act like a woman, please!" I need to be there; near beach and watch sunset. It is a new hope. It is the day that I wish I can appreciate myself more. I neglect my needs, my desire for too long. Now is payback time. I want to TRAVEL. My dreams should come true.